


One Big Happy Family

by dark_hour_shenanigans



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-05
Updated: 2018-08-05
Packaged: 2019-06-22 02:16:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15571497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dark_hour_shenanigans/pseuds/dark_hour_shenanigans
Summary: When Ed and Al meet Father for the first time, they immediately notice his strange resemblance to their father, Van Hohenheim. After they admit their relationship to Hohenheim, Father's demeanor changes instantly, becoming the loving uncle they never knew existed (and don't particularly want, now that they've met him). Experience their wacky family dynamics, which includes:Group PhotosEnvy calling Edward "cuz"Father saying the word "nephy-poos" unironicallyLing's annoyance at being ignored by literally everyone else in the roomEdward's bewilderment at the situationInconsistency regarding the author referring to Ed as "Edward" and Alphonse as "Al"Read now! It'll only take a minute because the wordcount is so freaking low!Seriously, this is less than 500 words.One Big Happy Family! Coming to you now! In fanfiction websites everywhere!Note: The previous statement is false. dark_hour_shenanigans is not responsible for your failure to find this fic on other fanfiction sites.Read it today!





	One Big Happy Family

**Author's Note:**

> I was rewatching Brotherhood and I couldn't stop thinking about the scene where Ed and Al meet Father. He acts weirdly nice to them (Yes, I know it's only because he needs healthy sacrifices) and I wondered - what if he actually WAS that nice to his 'relatives'. And then I wrote this in twenty minutes on my phone. 
> 
> And then I got carried away writing the summary. 
> 
> Enjoy.

Edward stared at ‘Father’, the man who could’ve been his own father’s exact twin. Unlike Hohenheim however, his hair appeared more white than blonde, and his eyes glowed a malevolent red.

 

“How do you know Van Hohenheim?” Father asked.

 

“He’s our dad,” Edward said, warily.

 

The man’s demeanor completely changed. His face broke out into a wide smile (and wasn’t that disturbing to see on his father’s face) as he rushed forward to ruffle Edward’s hair.

 

Edward glared, already preparing to punt the guy with his automail arm.

 

“Hohenheim had kids! No way!” Father moved on to shake Al’s hand. “Oh—you’re missing an arm. Let me fix that.”

 

Edward could only stare as he witnessed the unbelievable display of alchemy. No transmutation circle, not even a clap. He just raised his hand...and it happened. Then Father did the same to his arm and ribs.

 

“What the hell…” Edward muttered.

 

“Sorry about trying to eat you earlier, cuz,” Envy said unexpectedly. He poked Gluttony, who had just finished recovering from exploding from the inside out, with a massive paw. 

 

“Oh! Uh, sorry for eating you guys.” Gluttony said. 

 

“What,” Edward said.

 

“Hey,” Ling said, annoyed at being ignored by everyone. “What about my injuries?”

 

Father stared at him, squinting. “Are you one of Hohenheim’s kids too?”

 

“What? No! I’m the twelfth son of the Emperor of X—“

 

“Then I don’t care. Gluttony, you can eat him.”

 

“Yay!” Gluttony bounded across the chamber at Ling, only stopping when Edward and Alphonse threw themselves in front of him, arms stretched out to block his path.

 

“No!” Al cried.

 

“You can’t eat him! He’s our friend!” 

 

“Hmm.” Father stroked his beard. “I...suppose I can make an exception to my complete and total disregard for all human life.”

 

“Your what now?” Edward asked. 

 

“Yes! I will make an exception! Anything for my precious nephy-poos.”

 

“ _Your_ _what now?_ ” Edward asked again, emotions skirting the line between horrified disgust and wrath.

 

Without answering, Father strode across the room and healed Ling. “There,” he said, patting Ling on the head condescendingly. “You’re all better now.”

 

Ling recoiled, visibly disgusted. “Ed, your uncle is really weird.”

 

“He’s not my goddamn uncle...is he?”

 

“I dunno brother. He does look just like Dad…”

 

“Envy!” Father yelled, making a camera out of thin air and using several souls to do so. “Sit down! I want to take a group photo!”

 

“What. What the fuck,” Edward said. 

 

“Ah, Wrath and Pride are busy at the moment...and Sloth is working. Lust is dead, but Greed—oh!” Father turned to Ling. “How would you like to be immortal?”

 

Ling blinked.

 

“Seriously,” Edward said. “ _What the fuck is going on?_ ”

  



End file.
